This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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