there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
