K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
