Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
