i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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