rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
