I accidentally burped into my bong.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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