this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
