I miss vodka workout Fridays
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
