this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize