I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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