Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
