omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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