Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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