Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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