Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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