i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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