cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize