my phone needs a breathalizer
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
