By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
