Small penises have feelings too.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
