I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
