So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
