I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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