If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
