PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
