I think my vagina is haunted
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
