I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is not my ceiling
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
