have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
