I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
