My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
