your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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