I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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