It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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