my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
