he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
