Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
