Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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