I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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