We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
