just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize