I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
