I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
