Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
