he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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