I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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