Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
