I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
