the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
