I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
