I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
