hell yes lets make some ravioli
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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