I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
