Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
