New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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