Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
