oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
