I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
