I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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