He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
