I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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