I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
