Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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