dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
