one might say we're banned from that church
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
